Working through the grief of losing a baby is a difficult process. At times, it may feel like the disparity will never end. Coping with miscarriage is made even harder when an adequate support system is lacking. Compassion and understanding between a couple can often make it easier to recover from a tragedy. While we have already discussed how men and women grieve differently, it’s also important to talk about the impact a loss has on the relationship with one another. Through this, we hope to facilitate a more effective way to communicate and help to draw from the strengths each partner possesses.

Accepting that both men and women often grieve deeply with the loss of their baby is often not enough when you need support from your partner. Resentment may occur when your partner says they are hurting just as you are, but their behavior in coping is so radically different from your own. Many times it seems as though you are working against each other, but seeking the same goal of healing. When she wants to be held and talk, he may pull away and seek solitude. When he needs comfort and can speak about his feelings, she may be too depressed or exhausted to be supportive. It is common to feel as if you are walking on eggshells around one another. To approach him may cause an urge to isolate himself. To approach her may cause her to break down. It may seem impossible to have a common expression of grief and needs at the same time. While behaviors may differ, feelings are often the same. There is hope that you will be able to meet in the middle and grieve together.

Confusion about one another’s behavior toward the loss of their baby is often the first barrier to overcome.  A woman may wonder if her partner is actually feeling the same loss she is. When her partner pulls away, she has no way to determine if he is actively grieving. She may wonder if he has already forgotten, or simply doesn’t care. Outward expression of a woman’s dramatic mood swings may leave him wondering how to act around her. One minute she may want to feel close and be held, so he tries to console her. The next she may be angry and irritable, making him feel defensive, guilty, or retreat once again. Even discussions about the possibility of future pregnancies are confusing as they swing back and forth trying to reach a decision. A man may feel another pregnancy will return life to normal, but also fear that he could never put his partner through such agony again if the pregnancy were to fail. A woman may want to get pregnant again right away to try to take away the emptiness she feels.  At the same time she may feel she could never love another baby the way she loves the one she just lost. She may also worry that it would be impossible to survive should another pregnancy ever end in miscarriage. Even when a couple wants the misery to end they may not want to feel hopeful about the future for fear of being struck with tragedy once again.

With confusion follows frustration and sometimes anger with your partner. Both women and men feel they cannot do or say anything right. The feeling of failure in understanding and providing what your partner needs can be maddening. Arguing over insignificant issues can relieve them of the grief they are feeling—if only for a moment. These behaviors may intensify and at the very moment you feel you need to be close to one another, you find yourselves angry and at odds.

Sexual relationships usually take exceptional communication between couples to reestablish. It may take a long time to reach mutual feelings about intimacy. However, in this situation, stereotypes as to men and women’s emotions about sex are cast aside. Some women resent their partner’s desire for sex and might not be able to imagine a time where she would ever desire it again.  Other women may feel that reestablishing sexual relations will bring them closer to their partner. She may need intimacy to feel she is still loved and wanted as a partner. The closeness may provide her with a feeling that she is not alone in her grief. Men may also want to make love in an attempt to return to their previous relationship. It may serve as reassurance that he will eventually get back the woman she once was. Where he once felt helpless and isolated--he, too, may feel he is still loved and wanted as a partner. Although he might desire intimacy, it can also remind him of their lost pregnancy. He may also feel concern that he is putting pressure on his partner to resume a sexual relationship that she may not be ready for. Many times both men and women feel guilty for feeling pleasure or gratification so soon after the loss of their baby.

Starting to work through grief may involve behaving the opposite of how you feel.  Men must drive themselves out of isolation and begin to talk about their feelings. They need to reassure their partner that they are still struggling with grief, and feel powerless to fix the situation. Women need to begin to explain the feelings behind their outward expressions to facilitate an understanding of such behaviors.  Communicating will be difficult to start and your desire to share may come and go. Acceptance can occur as you learn why your partner needs to cope in different ways. Knowing that because everyone must grieve in their own way, each can find a way to understand and support the other. Couples need to acknowledge that their relationship will change to an extent and the tragedy of losing a baby may redefine who they are as well as who their partner may have become. Grief dictates that their lives will be forever changed.

Miscarriage is devastating to many couples. The grief process can place enormous strain on your relationship. You should not assume, however, that this will end your relationship or that life cannot be enjoyable again. No couple will ever feel exactly the way another couple feels with the loss of a baby. There is no right or wrong way to grieve—only differences.  Moving through the coping process both individually as well as together may even strengthen your relationship and deepen your respect and love for one another.