Understanding one another... PDF E-mail

The grief that miscarriage brings is unique compared to any other kind of grief we may face in our lives. There is not only a loss of a life, but a mourning of what could and should have been, and the feelings that not only have our own bodies failed us, but that we have let our partners down. There is often confusion of how to “appropriately” express grief, as miscarriage is often minimized by some. Others may not understand that simply because you had not seen or held your baby, a significant attachment was not already established. The intense feelings which accompany miscarriage are often misunderstood by those who have not suffered through it themselves.

 

Many babies lost through miscarriage do not have funerals. The lack of a gathering can be confusing as to how others should view the loss and can give couples a sense that their grief is considered insignificant. Funerals give acceptance to grieve and provide others with a sense of how to offer support. It provides an opportunity to mourn and is for the purpose of remembering the relationship you had with that person. In situations where a funeral does not take place, either because it is not practical or desired with a miscarriage, the emptiness is still profound for the couple and is very real. What many do not understand and what might even be confusing to your own partner is that it was not the length of the pregnancy which determined the depth of grief, but rather the bond that had already been established with your baby.

 

Grief experienced after miscarriage can create shame, guilt, and the embarrassment that perhaps you are overreacting to the situation. What is often misunderstood is that it was not just a physical loss, but also the loss of a baby whose life the couple had already planned for. It is the destruction of dreams, excitement, and the future a couple would have had together.  

Couples are often surprised by their intense emotions. Some will feel nothing but anguish and despair while others may be numb and feel nothing at all. These are extremes and usually couples find themselves falling somewhere in the middle. A rollercoaster of grief stages-- shock, denial, anger, and depression--will occur in different orders and will be frequently revisited before resolution occurs.

The experience of miscarriage differs not only from one couple to another, but also differs between men and women. Men and women are predisposed and conditioned to express loss very differently. What men may observe in their partner could evoke feelings that she is overreacting or hopelessly inconsolable. She may feel his distance or a lack of an outward expression of sorrow means he must have already forgotten. It is important to recognize that while a profound sadness may exist for both of you, there is no “right” way to grieve. We hope to facilitate an understanding of how each of you might express your feelings of loss and how to better communicate and understand emotions with your partner.